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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The September of Pleasures and of Discontentment!!!!


In life, we all have moments. Moments we cherish we enjoy, we are sad, we feel pain and still, we continue with life. Living with all that it has given us. Sometimes the happiness continues to be with us and sometimes the pain becomes an eternal part of it.

Some moments some months some time remind us of things that we have left back in the time..
September was one of those months for her. Today sitting in her own company and solitude she remembered. Remembered the time, the company, the moments, the joy and warmth, this month had got her. The same month, 8 years back was bliss was a moment of joy which she mistakenly thought would last for a lifetime.

8 years back. It was September. Still a bit humid and windy and rainy in that city of joy. The rains had just arrived freshly. He came to her life. The exams were over. They all were just enjoying the college after exams and before the next session would start. There were 6- 7 months more left for college to end.
Love happens when you least expect to find it around. All those 2 years in college they saw each other and had just discarded of each other’s presence and moved on. Then why they had to meet when just a few months was left and they could have chosen to be in different directions. But life certainly had other plans. Destiny had planned that they meet, they fall in love, celebrate their good times together.
That September they started knowing each other. They shared the 1st walk together to the bus stop. A walk both of them wanted to take but were hesitant of telling each other. They enjoyed the walk. It was like a breath of fresh air, a cool breeze which you get after the rains.

It was their first seeing each other in the eyes and stealing that moment of togetherness which was in silence between them.
It was their first talking that they did and they enjoyed each other’s company. It was the first time that he asked her out and she softly denied coz she was too scared to go out with him so soon. It was the 1st time she sat with him in the class on the same bench, economics being only the common thing between them.
It was the first dream she started seeing in him. Her first wish that this moment would just stand still and she can be with him for eternity. It was the first time she felt that loving him was the beginning of everything.

Every morning while entering the college gate her eyes would look for him. Like any new relationship they had lot of things to know share discover about each other. He told her what sausages are and how are they made and she told him she has never eaten them. She use to catch a bus back home but together they started taking the ferry back home as it meant more of time together. They talked less, tried to understand the silence between them. They enjoyed the little auto ride together to the ferry station. They fought less smiled more. They missed each other less and thought of each other more. Their love had just started in their hearts and they added beautiful years of togetherness, happiness and love to their relationship. Yes September was the start of all these things which was life in true sense. It was the start of life of dreams and of everything.

Seven years later life had changed a lot. It was September once again but it was nothing like before.
September was the start of a relationship which would last for a lifetime. Well that’s what she had thought. And this Septmeber was also the end of it.
They again had silence between them. But she was not enjoying this silence, she was fighting it. It was breaking her within. It was causing her pain, and discomfort. She wanted to know where did she fall short that he left her so ruthlessly. She told him begged him pleaded to him not to leave her once again. She told she cant cry anymore coz her eyes are hurting now. He knew what this relationship, what he meant to her. It was her breath, her life.
Her dreams had crumbled and more than that her trust. Her faith in her man who had let her down in so many ways. The one man she had thought would stand by her when the whole world would walk out on her. The one man who was the reason for her love and today who was the reason that she was hating herself.
The relationship which was priceless to her has ended. He chose to let her go and all those years didn’t mattered. That love didn’t mattered, the commitment didn’t mattered the faith didn’t mattered, she didn’t mattered. All that mattered was his decision on her. His decision of not letting her to be a part of his life, of not being with her forever.
If she feels content about something its that she gave this relationship all she could. Commitment, faith, trust, love and all she could do to make it work, to preserve it, to hold it and not let it go. Not a moment she had thought about herself without him and this relationship. The person, the relationship had occupied most of her existence. She was too emotional with the bonding with him. She trusted him too much with all her faith. She gave all her commitments to this relation to make it work. She gave her all her efforts to make it happen and not let go. She gave all her love she had within herself. She gave all of prayers to god for this one thing from Him.
Today she has nothing. She is empty from within. She is void of everything and that’s why she has still not got over of all this, not yet moved on even though the person has, and is happy and in love again with someone else now. What does it takes to stop loving someone and start loving someone else again. To be so indifferent, to be so insensitive to a person whom once you had loved so much, atleast that's what he told her all these years.That nothing else matters, not even how much the other person still loves you.
The gap is huge and the emptiness is deep and she knows she has to fill it up alone now.
It’s the saddest thing in the world to love someone who used to love you. When you are in love and you get hurt, it’s like a cut... it will heal, but there will always be a scar.
Its true that we should not let someone become our everything because when they are gone you have nothing.

What can I say, what can I do,
With all the memories that I have of you.
You with whom my world was made,
You whose memory would never fade.
Not having you around,
Makes my whole world go down.
You who promised to hold,
My every smile and all my tears.
You who now just left me,
To be nowhere.
The wounds might go away,
But the scars in the soul will forever stay.
Today I sit back and wonder,
Was it love or just passion,
That lasted just for a few seasons.
Memories stay,
They stay forever,
Be it for this,
Or for all the coming September.
And I will remember forever and ever,
What you did to me,
The last September.
I can't be happy,
And I can just lament,
For this is the September,
The September of my discontentment!!!

11 comments:

Harshita said...

That was touching with strong tones of romance and pain...

Sometimes the people u expect to stand by you in the worst of time, turn their backs to you... but then,this is life.. Isnt it?

:) Lets not stop loving.. coz it was a September of discontentment.

PULKIT said...

this was a beautiful and insightful peice, well worth the length and time of its read!
beautifully scribbled verse in the end! gave it an even much deeper feel...
I loved it!

PS - I am a lover of reading personal narrations! In the world that seems to fake, its a bliss to read something so pure and so honest!

A perfectly contented reader of this post!!

Butterfly Thoughts said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Butterfly Thoughts said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mustaf said...

Well, you might call it coincidence, but I just came here to ask you to write a new post, because the last one I read was quite long back and then I saw a new post, posted just yesterday, Whaooooo....:)

Now, this will be a long comment, not because I am an expert on the subject, but just because I have lot to say..so bear with me pls :)

Did you feel happy after writing the post or you relived those pain once again? Because it was so painful for me reading this and I could see the same in your feelings. No doubt, you have penned it down, so honestly and so touchingly, but I would still say if it hurts you, don't write about these any more. No point carrying the extra luggage of yesterday, you have to forget it and move on.I might sound harsh, but that is reality.

I am sure destiny has planned it, but if you believe in GOD or destiny, and if you good enough, believe me destiny has planned it for some good reasons. Destiny does not have fun making you go through this. So, I would rather suggest try to look back and find out the positives out. In these sort of circumstances, more often than not, we try to ignore fact. Obviously we try to judge the other person during our interactions and etc, and sometime some situations pops up the question before us, does he/she really love me? is he good enough? am i being taken for granted? And the sad part is, if we are already inclined, we try to ignore them and justify ourselves, but the reality is if it is a fact, it is a fact, better to face it at the earliest!!

And finally, even if there is a scar, do you still feel the pain looking at it? I guess no, because time heels and so this phase will also pass by if and only if you help yourself.Keep your doors open for love to come again, but also be alert, don't let yourself be taken for granted, briefly don't repeat the mistakes. You will be happy, guaranteed :)

Thanks for tolerating me so long, I should get lost now. All the very best :)

Butterfly Thoughts said...

@Mustaf
First of all tons of thanks. Your words were so gentle and good to read. I mean cant put it down in words. Yes I did feel the pain when I was writing it but more than that the pain is always there. It’s a way of taking it out. I don’t know if I am right or wrong or If I am still holding onto things. I am just lost you see. Definitely in the times to come all those baggage shud be shed out but it will take a lot of time. I don’t think its going to be so soon or easy. Atleast I feel that. Destiny or god I don’t know but I know that it shudnt had happened this way. Anyways thanks once again. Your comment was really encouraging. I don’t think I can say much on this.

Thousif Raza said...

you know life is like this ya, sometimes what we want we dont get and that kills us, well i can only sympathize really, i feel for her, just hope she holds on and moves on, i know its hard but kys karen life hai to jeena toh padega he na, very well written ya, liked it a lot

take care and keep writing.........

sujata said...

There is a lot of pain in your words, I am sure writing it all out helps, it will help more if you start writing on something else that meant a lot to you before love happened!, When we fall in love we put our ongoing life on hold, we break away from our friends and over commit ourselves to this new relationship, and if the relationship breaks, we are left standing alone, the hobbies, the friends that were once there seem foggy and far left behind, be selfish, dig out these people, renew contacts, give in to small pleasures that you enjoyed before, start living again, you owe it to yourself dear.

Chandler said...

Manisha, your post reminds me of my september.

it holds extreme memoirs for me. first september 16 yrs back when i was a teen reminds me of my first stint with this idiotic feeling called love

and then one september 3 yrs back when i had last good time together with my so called relationship which i thought wud go thr distance but didnt.

u wud hv happy septembers in the future dear. only thing u need to do right now is to forget the past. its gone and wont come back.

right. so if u keep thinking about the past even if it was so good one time and then it went bad, u wud be hurting urself. the one who went is gone, wont come back.

so get over it and live for urself. i agree with harshita here. do not stop living for one month of september. there is this november and december coming which are most beautiful months of the year.

u wud get many more happy memories in the life ahead so much so tht u wud forget all this discontentment and pains.

say it to urself friend 'i wud live for myself and my happiness. my happiness wud come out of me and not from nebody else. i m responsible for my own happiness'

long comment!!!

bore kar diya maine :P

divsi said...

thats touchin n beautiful....
wery vividly narrated...

Singh Amit said...

Mesmerizing and touching post.... :)
Painful still beautiful.... :)
Cheers!!