Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The September of Pleasures and of Discontentment!!!!

In life, we all have moments. Moments we cherish we enjoy, we are sad, we feel pain and still, we continue with life. Living with all that it has given us. Sometimes the happiness continues to be with us and sometimes the pain becomes an eternal part of it.

Some moments some months some time remind us of things that we have left back in the time..
September was one of those months for her. Today sitting in her own company and solitude she remembered. Remembered the time, the company, the moments, the joy and warmth, this month had got her. The same month, 8 years back was bliss was a moment of joy which she mistakenly thought would last for a lifetime.

8 years back. It was September. Still a bit humid and windy and rainy in that city of joy. The rains had just arrived freshly. He came to her life. The exams were over. They all were just enjoying the college after exams and before the next session would start. There were 6- 7 months more left for college to end.
Love happens when you least expect to find it around. All those 2 years in college they saw each other and had just discarded of each other’s presence and moved on. Then why they had to meet when just a few months was left and they could have chosen to be in different directions. But life certainly had other plans. Destiny had planned that they meet, they fall in love, celebrate their good times together.
That September they started knowing each other. They shared the 1st walk together to the bus stop. A walk both of them wanted to take but were hesitant of telling each other. They enjoyed the walk. It was like a breath of fresh air, a cool breeze which you get after the rains.

It was their first seeing each other in the eyes and stealing that moment of togetherness which was in silence between them.
It was their first talking that they did and they enjoyed each other’s company. It was the first time that he asked her out and she softly denied coz she was too scared to go out with him so soon. It was the 1st time she sat with him in the class on the same bench, economics being only the common thing between them.
It was the first dream she started seeing in him. Her first wish that this moment would just stand still and she can be with him for eternity. It was the first time she felt that loving him was the beginning of everything.

Every morning while entering the college gate her eyes would look for him. Like any new relationship they had lot of things to know share discover about each other. He told her what sausages are and how are they made and she told him she has never eaten them. She use to catch a bus back home but together they started taking the ferry back home as it meant more of time together. They talked less, tried to understand the silence between them. They enjoyed the little auto ride together to the ferry station. They fought less smiled more. They missed each other less and thought of each other more. Their love had just started in their hearts and they added beautiful years of togetherness, happiness and love to their relationship. Yes September was the start of all these things which was life in true sense. It was the start of life of dreams and of everything.

Seven years later life had changed a lot. It was September once again but it was nothing like before.
September was the start of a relationship which would last for a lifetime. Well that’s what she had thought. And this Septmeber was also the end of it.
They again had silence between them. But she was not enjoying this silence, she was fighting it. It was breaking her within. It was causing her pain, and discomfort. She wanted to know where did she fall short that he left her so ruthlessly. She told him begged him pleaded to him not to leave her once again. She told she cant cry anymore coz her eyes are hurting now. He knew what this relationship, what he meant to her. It was her breath, her life.
Her dreams had crumbled and more than that her trust. Her faith in her man who had let her down in so many ways. The one man she had thought would stand by her when the whole world would walk out on her. The one man who was the reason for her love and today who was the reason that she was hating herself.
The relationship which was priceless to her has ended. He chose to let her go and all those years didn’t mattered. That love didn’t mattered, the commitment didn’t mattered the faith didn’t mattered, she didn’t mattered. All that mattered was his decision on her. His decision of not letting her to be a part of his life, of not being with her forever.
If she feels content about something its that she gave this relationship all she could. Commitment, faith, trust, love and all she could do to make it work, to preserve it, to hold it and not let it go. Not a moment she had thought about herself without him and this relationship. The person, the relationship had occupied most of her existence. She was too emotional with the bonding with him. She trusted him too much with all her faith. She gave all her commitments to this relation to make it work. She gave her all her efforts to make it happen and not let go. She gave all her love she had within herself. She gave all of prayers to god for this one thing from Him.
Today she has nothing. She is empty from within. She is void of everything and that’s why she has still not got over of all this, not yet moved on even though the person has, and is happy and in love again with someone else now. What does it takes to stop loving someone and start loving someone else again. To be so indifferent, to be so insensitive to a person whom once you had loved so much, atleast that's what he told her all these years.That nothing else matters, not even how much the other person still loves you.
The gap is huge and the emptiness is deep and she knows she has to fill it up alone now.
It’s the saddest thing in the world to love someone who used to love you. When you are in love and you get hurt, it’s like a cut... it will heal, but there will always be a scar.
Its true that we should not let someone become our everything because when they are gone you have nothing.

What can I say, what can I do,
With all the memories that I have of you.
You with whom my world was made,
You whose memory would never fade.
Not having you around,
Makes my whole world go down.
You who promised to hold,
My every smile and all my tears.
You who now just left me,
To be nowhere.
The wounds might go away,
But the scars in the soul will forever stay.
Today I sit back and wonder,
Was it love or just passion,
That lasted just for a few seasons.
Memories stay,
They stay forever,
Be it for this,
Or for all the coming September.
And I will remember forever and ever,
What you did to me,
The last September.
I can't be happy,
And I can just lament,
For this is the September,
The September of my discontentment!!!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A Year of Denials and Indifference!!! Breaking Away..

Some how I don’t want to complete the story I had started, The Lost Dreams. It’s not meant to be completed I guess. It was not a fiction but a true story of a girl I have known practically all my life and lived with and of the guy whom she trusted more than anyone else.

The characters in the story that they were, and that they are today have gone a sea of change.. The emotions, the feelings, the love that they had shared has all been washed out but it’s only from one end. The girl is still very much in love with that guy who has just left her to be on her own, dealing with all that she has to in her life. She knows she has to come out of this coz there is no love now, only her crushed dreams and broken trust and a past which will haunt her for ever.
Is it wrong to love someone more than yourself. Is it wrong to lose your self completely to the relation that holds everything in your life, is it wrong to trust someone so blindly? Yes I guess its wrong coz it will let you know all the pain and rip you from within.

Is it easy to overcome the love you had for a person, and be with someone else very much in love again. A relationship which has been a part of our life for years, is it so easy to forget it and again begin with a fresh start. I guess its easy coz that’s what I have known and seen. Don’t you hate it when they do something so hurtful, fill your life with so much of pain and then they say sorry and expect everything will be ok. They just become normal people thinking nothing is wrong and they are so engrossed in their life without thinking what’s happening with the other person. They are happy in their world.

Saying sorry doesn't mean there isn't guilt and forgiving doesn't mean the pain is gone.

I think she had too much of this pain and of every other thing she had never thought that she would be or should be getting.
She just wants to go way from here , away from all the pain, the thoughts that haunts her, she wants to break away from everything from every person she knows. She just wants to go away far.
You can’t hold things back because there comes a point when you can't hold them back anymore and all you feel like doing is breaking down. She want to be numb to everything around her, to every feeling every pain that she has known till far. She has become something she thought she would never become.

She is not a perfect person. She does get hurt ,gets jealous and yes she does get offended when someone behaves so indifferently and insensitively. Is it easy to be like that with the person you claim you loved at some point of time. Is all that harshness and insentiveness really required? I don’t know. Is life all about living with these things.
I am not so good also that I can continue my goodness even if I am treated with such harshness.
I don’t know if this post makes any sense but I just wanted to blurt out my feelings. It seems all lost. These are just some questions for which I am trying to find an answer.
Today it’s exactly a year of denial and indifference and of everything that’s lost. They say time is the best healer but some wounds are never meant to heal..never!!!!

I knew laughter when I knew him, now I know what’s pain coz of him.
I knew times would be beautiful when we were together, now I know I am just lonely without him.
I knew its easy to trust, now I know a trust breaker, and its painful to bear.
I knew I had a beautiful relationship, only to lose it and now it’s meaningless.
I knew you loved , now I don’t know if it was just pretension.
I knew I loved you, I know you were validating.
I knew the little games we played together, I know you were toying with my emotions.
I knew love exist, I know now betrayal exists even more.
I knew my eyes brightening up seeing you, now I know we wud never see each other.
I knew I wanted to hold on to everything, I know you just wanted to let it go.
I knew you were my everyone, until you tore my soul apart.
I knew you wrote our names in your heart, I know you have erased it forever now.
I knew I was innocent, I know I have lost it at the wrong door.
I knew I mattered, now I know I was ridiculed.
I knew I had hopes and dreams, I know you have crushed them.
I knew I loved you unconditionally, I know you had conditions for love
I knew I wouldnt be able to live without you, I know you have moved on, and I have to!!!