Thursday, September 3, 2009

A Year of Denials and Indifference!!! Breaking Away..

Some how I don’t want to complete the story I had started, The Lost Dreams. It’s not meant to be completed I guess. It was not a fiction but a true story of a girl I have known practically all my life and lived with and of the guy whom she trusted more than anyone else.

The characters in the story that they were, and that they are today have gone a sea of change.. The emotions, the feelings, the love that they had shared has all been washed out but it’s only from one end. The girl is still very much in love with that guy who has just left her to be on her own, dealing with all that she has to in her life. She knows she has to come out of this coz there is no love now, only her crushed dreams and broken trust and a past which will haunt her for ever.
Is it wrong to love someone more than yourself. Is it wrong to lose your self completely to the relation that holds everything in your life, is it wrong to trust someone so blindly? Yes I guess its wrong coz it will let you know all the pain and rip you from within.

Is it easy to overcome the love you had for a person, and be with someone else very much in love again. A relationship which has been a part of our life for years, is it so easy to forget it and again begin with a fresh start. I guess its easy coz that’s what I have known and seen. Don’t you hate it when they do something so hurtful, fill your life with so much of pain and then they say sorry and expect everything will be ok. They just become normal people thinking nothing is wrong and they are so engrossed in their life without thinking what’s happening with the other person. They are happy in their world.

Saying sorry doesn't mean there isn't guilt and forgiving doesn't mean the pain is gone.

I think she had too much of this pain and of every other thing she had never thought that she would be or should be getting.
She just wants to go way from here , away from all the pain, the thoughts that haunts her, she wants to break away from everything from every person she knows. She just wants to go away far.
You can’t hold things back because there comes a point when you can't hold them back anymore and all you feel like doing is breaking down. She want to be numb to everything around her, to every feeling every pain that she has known till far. She has become something she thought she would never become.

She is not a perfect person. She does get hurt ,gets jealous and yes she does get offended when someone behaves so indifferently and insensitively. Is it easy to be like that with the person you claim you loved at some point of time. Is all that harshness and insentiveness really required? I don’t know. Is life all about living with these things.
I am not so good also that I can continue my goodness even if I am treated with such harshness.
I don’t know if this post makes any sense but I just wanted to blurt out my feelings. It seems all lost. These are just some questions for which I am trying to find an answer.
Today it’s exactly a year of denial and indifference and of everything that’s lost. They say time is the best healer but some wounds are never meant to heal..never!!!!

I knew laughter when I knew him, now I know what’s pain coz of him.
I knew times would be beautiful when we were together, now I know I am just lonely without him.
I knew its easy to trust, now I know a trust breaker, and its painful to bear.
I knew I had a beautiful relationship, only to lose it and now it’s meaningless.
I knew you loved , now I don’t know if it was just pretension.
I knew I loved you, I know you were validating.
I knew the little games we played together, I know you were toying with my emotions.
I knew love exist, I know now betrayal exists even more.
I knew my eyes brightening up seeing you, now I know we wud never see each other.
I knew I wanted to hold on to everything, I know you just wanted to let it go.
I knew you were my everyone, until you tore my soul apart.
I knew you wrote our names in your heart, I know you have erased it forever now.
I knew I was innocent, I know I have lost it at the wrong door.
I knew I mattered, now I know I was ridiculed.
I knew I had hopes and dreams, I know you have crushed them.
I knew I loved you unconditionally, I know you had conditions for love
I knew I wouldnt be able to live without you, I know you have moved on, and I have to!!!


Thousif Raza said...

i know ya, cause i have felt the pain too, we just cannot forget, the moments of grace, the moments of happiness, the moments of heaven.......

excellently written, and wish her life turns out to be nice and good

take care and keep writing.........

Mustaf said...


Just came here while browsing, you have very acutely expressed the pain in loss..specially those last few lines of contrasts...those were really beautiful..

Only thing i can say is when bad things happen to our life everyone goes through the same this girl is going through, but ask the same person after 5 years and you would hear that he/she agree that,

Time is the best teacher and healer no matter how difficult situation is,
That ur first love must not be ur last love and most probably you would find better love if u r good by urself,
That at times these situations happen because it teaches you the reality which one lacks..i know these might sound cliche but they are so true...

sujata said...

just one thing to say dear, shit happens!! and what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. To love and to lose yourself in it is a joy, but to get out when there is still time from an abusive relationship is doing justice to your own self, never be blinded by love.

Anonymous said...

Hey butterfly, i know how it feels to go thru wat u hv written. been thru this. thats 1 time wen ur bond wd ur own self goes strong!!!