Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Life...It goes on!!!

Should I call him or should I msg him. Or I should just leave the way things are. Its disturbing me from within. I pick up my cell. It rings and I am so habituated of hearing the ring and a sec after that, the voice of the lady “the Vodafone no you have called is busy” that even before it rings I know from within, I am going to hear her again. Its been a long time that he has actually picked my phone and spoken to me. I saw the time. It was 1.00 am. I stared at the ceiling trying to conceal the disappointment I had within myself. I was feeling sad about myself. Memories played in my mind as tears took their place instead of sleep in my eyes.

I wanted to hold them back.. I didn’t wanted to cry this time. Somehow I had begun afraid of crying. It made me feel lost weak and downtrodden. I tried again but it was the same. Hopes of him getting back to me was almost something I don’t know if I could expect.

Morning after such a night is always horrible. As soon as you get up the sadness engulfs you from all sides reminding all’s not well. You look yourself and your eyes tell the dreams you have lost…

A feeling which almost ruffles me that why do I miss him so much. My thoughts, my existence, my reason of being happy which are tied to his thoughts. But may be for him things have changed. I have changed for what I meant to him. It hurts me deep inside and all the more when his ignorance becomes so obvious. I want to go somewhere far where I can move on, from his thoughts, his life so that he can have some peace from me. May be that’s what he wants. I want to free him of the burden of loving me back. I want this to do for him.

But my zaniness doesn’t allows me to prevail in this thought for long. I try to be happy with his thoughts and turn a blind eye to whatever I had am going through. I try to slip out of my world of memories and start the day again with a new hope that things would be better and he would call me. That means the world for me, whick I don’t think I have now. There might be something wrong at his end. Thoughts like this try to comfort the mind.

A week later, a month later I know would be at the same cross roads. I would miss him again, want to hear his voice again would cry would wage a battle with myself within myself, and again try to be out of all these things.. Answers to questions I struggle to find….again try to be free of all this, of myself…. till the time I lose myself completely.