A Happy Anniversary!!! But Not Anymore

8 years ago on this day of 10th October from no one he became someone in her life. This day was always special and they always wanted to celebrate it together. He promised her that whatever may come, whatever situations they have in life he will come to meet her on this day be with her, celebrate their togetherness even though they are not together the same way…But then promises are meant to be broken isn’t it. So today she is once again without him without talking to him and without letting him know how special this day is to her.Never she had thought that some day in life this moment would come where they wont be talking on this day. She knew he wont come but still somewhere in her heart she was hoping that he might come out of no where.Hope he gets lot of happiness and many more beautiful days in his life to come. This is all she can wish for him.

Years ago when we met,

We started knowing each other and looked ahead

A stranger you were once.

Then, with a gentle look you took my hand.

As our lives engaged,

You lit my life and I held both your hands.

The day was bright the day was serene,

The day was also the October tenth.

This day when we came as together,

And I thought it was all forever.

Your eyes filled with love,

Your smile so soft and tender.

You told me... I love you,

On the 10th of October.

There was a special kind of happiness,

That only love can bring,

And I thought I found that happiness with you...
You were my everything .

Holding me in your arms,

Never letting go,

Trusting every word I hear,

Just because you told me so

Today this day comes and goes,

You are not there is what I know,

You said you needed me more than I needed you,

Why did you say that, if you knew it wasn't true?

Why did you say you loved me,

Then turned around and set me free

When I lay and think, in my bed at night,

The day you'll arrive, seems nowhere in sight.

I toss I turn, dreaming of you, opening my eye's... checking if my dream came true.

It didn't, again, and a tear starts to roll,

weeping quietly... my pillow I hold.

I wished somehow I could say,

A Happy Anniversary in a loving way.

But I know this day we are not together,

Has no meaning left to you in any way.

Much more than any other day,

This day was special to us in everyway,

Anniversaries are meant to be happy and to be together,

But I know that’s not going to happen, For now and forever!!!!

The September of Pleasures and of Discontentment!!!!

In life, we all have moments. Moments we cherish we enjoy, we are sad, we feel pain and still, we continue with life. Living with all that it has given us. Sometimes the happiness continues to be with us and sometimes the pain becomes an eternal part of it.

Some moments some months some time remind us of things that we have left back in the time..
September was one of those months for her. Today sitting in her own company and solitude she remembered. Remembered the time, the company, the moments, the joy and warmth, this month had got her. The same month, 8 years back was bliss was a moment of joy which she mistakenly thought would last for a lifetime.

8 years back. It was September. Still a bit humid and windy and rainy in that city of joy. The rains had just arrived freshly. He came to her life. The exams were over. They all were just enjoying the college after exams and before the next session would start. There were 6- 7 months more left for college to end.
Love happens when you least expect to find it around. All those 2 years in college they saw each other and had just discarded of each other’s presence and moved on. Then why they had to meet when just a few months was left and they could have chosen to be in different directions. But life certainly had other plans. Destiny had planned that they meet, they fall in love, celebrate their good times together.
That September they started knowing each other. They shared the 1st walk together to the bus stop. A walk both of them wanted to take but were hesitant of telling each other. They enjoyed the walk. It was like a breath of fresh air, a cool breeze which you get after the rains.

It was their first seeing each other in the eyes and stealing that moment of togetherness which was in silence between them.
It was their first talking that they did and they enjoyed each other’s company. It was the first time that he asked her out and she softly denied coz she was too scared to go out with him so soon. It was the 1st time she sat with him in the class on the same bench, economics being only the common thing between them.
It was the first dream she started seeing in him. Her first wish that this moment would just stand still and she can be with him for eternity. It was the first time she felt that loving him was the beginning of everything.

Every morning while entering the college gate her eyes would look for him. Like any new relationship they had lot of things to know share discover about each other. He told her what sausages are and how are they made and she told him she has never eaten them. She use to catch a bus back home but together they started taking the ferry back home as it meant more of time together. They talked less, tried to understand the silence between them. They enjoyed the little auto ride together to the ferry station. They fought less smiled more. They missed each other less and thought of each other more. Their love had just started in their hearts and they added beautiful years of togetherness, happiness and love to their relationship. Yes September was the start of all these things which was life in true sense. It was the start of life of dreams and of everything.

Seven years later life had changed a lot. It was September once again but it was nothing like before.
September was the start of a relationship which would last for a lifetime. Well that’s what she had thought. And this Septmeber was also the end of it.
They again had silence between them. But she was not enjoying this silence, she was fighting it. It was breaking her within. It was causing her pain, and discomfort. She wanted to know where did she fall short that he left her so ruthlessly. She told him begged him pleaded to him not to leave her once again. She told she cant cry anymore coz her eyes are hurting now. He knew what this relationship, what he meant to her. It was her breath, her life.
Her dreams had crumbled and more than that her trust. Her faith in her man who had let her down in so many ways. The one man she had thought would stand by her when the whole world would walk out on her. The one man who was the reason for her love and today who was the reason that she was hating herself.
The relationship which was priceless to her has ended. He chose to let her go and all those years didn’t mattered. That love didn’t mattered, the commitment didn’t mattered the faith didn’t mattered, she didn’t mattered. All that mattered was his decision on her. His decision of not letting her to be a part of his life, of not being with her forever.
If she feels content about something its that she gave this relationship all she could. Commitment, faith, trust, love and all she could do to make it work, to preserve it, to hold it and not let it go. Not a moment she had thought about herself without him and this relationship. The person, the relationship had occupied most of her existence. She was too emotional with the bonding with him. She trusted him too much with all her faith. She gave all her commitments to this relation to make it work. She gave her all her efforts to make it happen and not let go. She gave all her love she had within herself. She gave all of prayers to god for this one thing from Him.
Today she has nothing. She is empty from within. She is void of everything and that’s why she has still not got over of all this, not yet moved on even though the person has, and is happy and in love again with someone else now. What does it takes to stop loving someone and start loving someone else again. To be so indifferent, to be so insensitive to a person whom once you had loved so much, atleast that's what he told her all these years.That nothing else matters, not even how much the other person still loves you.
The gap is huge and the emptiness is deep and she knows she has to fill it up alone now.
It’s the saddest thing in the world to love someone who used to love you. When you are in love and you get hurt, it’s like a cut... it will heal, but there will always be a scar.
Its true that we should not let someone become our everything because when they are gone you have nothing.

What can I say, what can I do,
With all the memories that I have of you.
You with whom my world was made,
You whose memory would never fade.
Not having you around,
Makes my whole world go down.
You who promised to hold,
My every smile and all my tears.
You who now just left me,
To be nowhere.
The wounds might go away,
But the scars in the soul will forever stay.
Today I sit back and wonder,
Was it love or just passion,
That lasted just for a few seasons.
Memories stay,
They stay forever,
Be it for this,
Or for all the coming September.
And I will remember forever and ever,
What you did to me,
The last September.
I can't be happy,
And I can just lament,
For this is the September,
The September of my discontentment!!!

A Year of Denials and Indifference!!! Breaking Away..

Some how I don’t want to complete the story I had started, The Lost Dreams. It’s not meant to be completed I guess. It was not a fiction but a true story of a girl I have known practically all my life and lived with and of the guy whom she trusted more than anyone else.

The characters in the story that they were, and that they are today have gone a sea of change.. The emotions, the feelings, the love that they had shared has all been washed out but it’s only from one end. The girl is still very much in love with that guy who has just left her to be on her own, dealing with all that she has to in her life. She knows she has to come out of this coz there is no love now, only her crushed dreams and broken trust and a past which will haunt her for ever.
Is it wrong to love someone more than yourself. Is it wrong to lose your self completely to the relation that holds everything in your life, is it wrong to trust someone so blindly? Yes I guess its wrong coz it will let you know all the pain and rip you from within.

Is it easy to overcome the love you had for a person, and be with someone else very much in love again. A relationship which has been a part of our life for years, is it so easy to forget it and again begin with a fresh start. I guess its easy coz that’s what I have known and seen. Don’t you hate it when they do something so hurtful, fill your life with so much of pain and then they say sorry and expect everything will be ok. They just become normal people thinking nothing is wrong and they are so engrossed in their life without thinking what’s happening with the other person. They are happy in their world.

Saying sorry doesn't mean there isn't guilt and forgiving doesn't mean the pain is gone.

I think she had too much of this pain and of every other thing she had never thought that she would be or should be getting.
She just wants to go way from here , away from all the pain, the thoughts that haunts her, she wants to break away from everything from every person she knows. She just wants to go away far.
You can’t hold things back because there comes a point when you can't hold them back anymore and all you feel like doing is breaking down. She want to be numb to everything around her, to every feeling every pain that she has known till far. She has become something she thought she would never become.

She is not a perfect person. She does get hurt ,gets jealous and yes she does get offended when someone behaves so indifferently and insensitively. Is it easy to be like that with the person you claim you loved at some point of time. Is all that harshness and insentiveness really required? I don’t know. Is life all about living with these things.
I am not so good also that I can continue my goodness even if I am treated with such harshness.
I don’t know if this post makes any sense but I just wanted to blurt out my feelings. It seems all lost. These are just some questions for which I am trying to find an answer.
Today it’s exactly a year of denial and indifference and of everything that’s lost. They say time is the best healer but some wounds are never meant to heal..never!!!!

I knew laughter when I knew him, now I know what’s pain coz of him.
I knew times would be beautiful when we were together, now I know I am just lonely without him.
I knew its easy to trust, now I know a trust breaker, and its painful to bear.
I knew I had a beautiful relationship, only to lose it and now it’s meaningless.
I knew you loved , now I don’t know if it was just pretension.
I knew I loved you, I know you were validating.
I knew the little games we played together, I know you were toying with my emotions.
I knew love exist, I know now betrayal exists even more.
I knew my eyes brightening up seeing you, now I know we wud never see each other.
I knew I wanted to hold on to everything, I know you just wanted to let it go.
I knew you were my everyone, until you tore my soul apart.
I knew you wrote our names in your heart, I know you have erased it forever now.
I knew I was innocent, I know I have lost it at the wrong door.
I knew I mattered, now I know I was ridiculed.
I knew I had hopes and dreams, I know you have crushed them.
I knew I loved you unconditionally, I know you had conditions for love
I knew I wouldnt be able to live without you, I know you have moved on, and I have to!!!

The Lost Dreams!!! Part -1

His arms were the only place she felt secured, she felt loved and she felt blessed. At times she would wonder if all this is real, she has so much of love in her life. She didn’t wished and prayed anything more than they being together always, the way they are today. She was glad he was there with her. His presence made her realized how beautiful her world is!!!

She was just another girl in her college. Carefree, joyful, cheerful, lost among her friends enjoying her college days like any other student. Her 1st year exams were over and she hadn’t given much of a thought as what she plans to do after graduation. She had her own group of friends. Going to college everyday, attending classes, spending hours chatting gossiping, eating chats, going for small shoppings with friends, all this was just a part of her life. After months of studying and exams being over she was just making the most of whatever few months were left, for the college to get over.
She didn’t had a boyfriend and she didn’t feel that there is anything missing in her life. She was happy in her life and her people around.

One fine day at her usual place on the stairs she was talking to her friend, unaware of the fact that after this what’s going to happen would change her life and her completely in the years to come.
She saw him coming inside the college premises from the gate and coming towards her. She had seen him few times before in these 2 years in college but never paid that much attention as he was not from her class.
She doesn’t knows what made her ask her friend as soon she saw him coming towards them. Iska naam kya hain. Her friend promptly replied and told his name. By that time he was close enough to the tap which was just beside the stairs they were seated, and he asked her, naam puch rahe ho. Well with no other option she had to say yes with a smile. After drinking the water he asked her what are you.. She didn’t understand what he meant and asked him what do you mean what am I. He said no I meant where are you from. After this he started talking to her friend who was his friend also and in his class as well.

Well the walk that day inside the college gate was not just an ordinary walk. It was a walk he made in her life and be a part of her and the story they made together in their lives.

P.S- to be continued.

My Love!!!

I am going to meet my love!!!
I am going to Calcutta this Sunday for a loooooongggg vacation. Calcutta is the city I love to be in!!!

And did I tell you that I share my birthday today with Rahul Gandhi.. Now you cant wish him so you can as well wish me:-)

Take care all of you and see you once I am back.

A Beautiful World!!!

He – It will be a boy!!!
She- No it should be a girl…

He- No I want someone to play football and cricket with me and play car racing games. Girls are no good in that…
She- No I want someone to dress up like a doll and purchase all cute little things for her.

He- Can you girls think beyond dressing up and make up. Its final it would be a boy…
She- And can you guys think beyond games and cricket…

He- Fine I agree we cant. Happy… It would be a boy!!!
She- No no..its our first kid and and it would be girl.

He- You don’t understand, If it’s a girl we have to be very protective towards her. Boys will be behind her. The world is no more a good place to live in you see !!! (tries all his efforts to convince her)
She- Yes and if it’s a boy he would be the one who would go behind all those girls…and I don’t want that..

He- Fine do you what you want..
She- A big smile. Thank you jaan. I love you for standing by me for everything.

He- hugs her. Any thing for you…

Next Day…Missionaries of Charities Orphanage.

He – She is so cute… just like you.
She- I am afraid to hold her. She is so small, so fragile. What if I hurt her.

He- Don’t worry I am there with you. Together we will take care of her and give her all the love she deserves.
Lets go home with our baby girl and give her a world full of love.

Encourage Adoption. Make Lives Beautiful...

A Love Story!!!

He- I love you!!!
She- Is quiet....
He- You don’t want to say anything.
She- I think my bus has come.
He- Ok.. come I will drop u till the bus..
She- Takes the bus.
He - Still waits for an answer.
She- Looks at him from the window, smiles at him, her eyes saying it all, what he wanted to hear!!!
He- Gets his answers, waits for tomorrow when they would have a new beginning together..

p.s- This is not a work of fiction, but a true story:-)

Have You Ever!!!!

Have you been in a crowd,

And felt alone.

Have you been in the sunshine,

But look at darkness..

Have you seen a million dreams,

But they have just remained thus…

Have you had expectations,
But went unnoticed...

Have you had beautiful moments,
And only the thoughts’ remain!!!

Have you held the night with a single hand, and not let it go,
But realized it’s all gone and make yourself understand!!!

Have you loved someone with all you have,
And found yourself feeling empty!!!

Have you counted the days to be with them
But the days never seemed to end!!!

Have you trusted someone with all your heart,
But then realized your heart was lying to you!!!

Have you prayed to God,
Only to get your prayers unanswered!!!

Have you thought of always being together
But there was just a lonely life to last forever!!!

Have you wanted to live a life,
Just to know that everything within you is dead!!!

Have you wanted to hold them and never let them go
But all they wanted is to... let you go!!!

Love is....

Love is
…something shared!!
Love is
…noticing the moment she is unwell!!
Love is
…something you cant get through the week without!!!
Love is
…eagerly turning the other cheek!!!
Love is
…saving his kisses for when he’s away!!!
Love is
…the other man in your life!!!
Love is
…always driving with care!!
Love is
…meeting romance head on!!!
Love is
…when he tries to count every freckle!!!
Love is
…having someone to talk in the evenings!!!
Love is
…wanting him all to yourself!!!
Love is
…what a lonely heart would like to share!!!
Love is
…a strong arm to hold when the sidewalk is icy!!!
Love is
…backing up his fishing stories!!!
Love is
…rearranging the furniture for her at midnight!!!
Love is
…trying to be pleased when he’s won a motorbike in a raffle!!!
Love is
…your little bundle of energy!!!
Love is
…starting out with nothing but each other!!!
Love is
…when every little bit counts!!!
Love is
…still feeling his hug the morning after!!!
Love is
…when the journey to back home gets interesting!!!
Love is
…caring about him inspite of his temper!!!
Love is
…sweeter when you are sharing!!
Love is
…something you’ll always treasure!!!
Love is
…something you all have!!!

Life...It goes on!!!

Should I call him or should I msg him. Or I should just leave the way things are. Its disturbing me from within. I pick up my cell. It rings and I am so habituated of hearing the ring and a sec after that, the voice of the lady “the Vodafone no you have called is busy” that even before it rings I know from within, I am going to hear her again. Its been a long time that he has actually picked my phone and spoken to me. I saw the time. It was 1.00 am. I stared at the ceiling trying to conceal the disappointment I had within myself. I was feeling sad about myself. Memories played in my mind as tears took their place instead of sleep in my eyes.

I wanted to hold them back.. I didn’t wanted to cry this time. Somehow I had begun afraid of crying. It made me feel lost weak and downtrodden. I tried again but it was the same. Hopes of him getting back to me was almost something I don’t know if I could expect.

Morning after such a night is always horrible. As soon as you get up the sadness engulfs you from all sides reminding all’s not well. You look yourself and your eyes tell the dreams you have lost…

A feeling which almost ruffles me that why do I miss him so much. My thoughts, my existence, my reason of being happy which are tied to his thoughts. But may be for him things have changed. I have changed for what I meant to him. It hurts me deep inside and all the more when his ignorance becomes so obvious. I want to go somewhere far where I can move on, from his thoughts, his life so that he can have some peace from me. May be that’s what he wants. I want to free him of the burden of loving me back. I want this to do for him.

But my zaniness doesn’t allows me to prevail in this thought for long. I try to be happy with his thoughts and turn a blind eye to whatever I had am going through. I try to slip out of my world of memories and start the day again with a new hope that things would be better and he would call me. That means the world for me, whick I don’t think I have now. There might be something wrong at his end. Thoughts like this try to comfort the mind.

A week later, a month later I know would be at the same cross roads. I would miss him again, want to hear his voice again would cry would wage a battle with myself within myself, and again try to be out of all these things.. Answers to questions I struggle to find….again try to be free of all this, of myself…. till the time I lose myself completely.

Merry Christmas

It was a cold December, and a Christmas evening. Though Christmas not being an important festival for her that year it held a special meaning for her. A very special meaning. The past 2 months of her life had been a different and a wonderful time. The feeling of being in love and the way your world changes was there. A gentle smile always wore the lips and happiness surrounded the mind.
A new person had become a part of her world…Though they were not a very outgoing couple, still they seemed to enjoy every little time they could have together and their world seemed to be content, not of their company and the talks they share, but whatever they have for each other.

He had told her “I Love You” and she knew he meant it. It was not planned and was very unexpected. She took life as it came and she was happy in being in love with him. But she has yet to tell him I love you. She hasn’t from the time he has told her. She thought of letting her speak out that Christmas evening wanting to make it special for him.

She was waiting for his call. He called her that evening.

Trin Trin, the phone goes ring……… ( cant write in words how a mobile fone tune would ring)
He: Merry Christmas Sweetheart
She: Merry Christmas ( in a delightful yet polite voice)

She: So how was your day.
He: It was good. Nothing much.

He: So what you doing
She: Watching Tv, waiting for your call (her mom calls for dinner..coming mom )

He: Ok so we meeting tomorrow.
She: Yes 11.30 am, metro station

He: Ok chalo bye then.
She:bye (didn’t wantd to keep the phone)

She- Acha sunoooo….
He: Haan bolo

She: come there at 11.30 am, metro
He: Ok. Aur kuch

She: Yes
He: haan bolo

She: After a pause… I love you ( in the most beautiful way and with all her heart as he is the only one she is going to love)
He: Me Too..

She- Ok bye ( a little disappointed that he didn’t say her I love you)
He: Bye see you tomorrow ( she could feel his smile and happiness)

She smiled gently after keeping the phone. A smile which dint fade till it reached her eyes and her eyes were full of smiles too.
Ps: Later comes to know he was talking from a public fone so couldn’t tell her I love you in return.
Never mind.. Lots of moments came when he did say that and made her felt the most special person…

Love makes you smile, love makes you cry, it makes you happy, it gives you pain.
Love is all I had and its all I have… and I have empty hands

Love Lost....

I read this poem or song some 2 and a half years ago. I was deeply touched when I read it. It still reminds me of certain things I have been through that time... Just wanted to relive those moments...

Do you remember when we met?
Do you remember when at first it was just all a bet?
Remember when you told me that your love for me
went to the moon all uphill?
But the question is,
do you still?
Remember when you called me
to confess that you were deep in love with me?
I remember my phone going ring, ring, ring.
It almost seemed as if to sing.
I've always heard that real love always lasts,
but I think you're leaving it in the past...

Did you?
Did you forget all about it?
Did you forget how
you were the one to give me my first kiss?
Well now I'm starting to know
that love also fades.
Where there was fire
there is ashes.
But all along I still remember
all that you and I went through.
I think that would make a sweet memory,
Do you?
Would you ever hold the night
With just a single hand?
Would you ever let me go,
And make me understand?
Would you ever kiss me softly,
As if that kiss meant good-bye?
Would you hold me, oh so closely,
If I was to start to cry?

Would the tears I cried for you
Make you feel my pain?
Or would you not care for me one bit,
And my hurt would be in vain?
Would a simple question,
Remain unanswered?
Or if you were asked who you love,
Would I be your answer?

Would you keep your word
Of being always together?
Or would this lonely life
of mineLast forever?
If I told you I felt sad
Would you come be by my side?
If I was to get you mad,
Would it hurt you deep inside?

Don't ever tell me you don't care
Because I just know that isn't true.
If your heart decided to love someone,
...Would I be the one for you?