Life...It goes on!!!

Should I call him or should I msg him. Or I should just leave the way things are. Its disturbing me from within. I pick up my cell. It rings and I am so habituated of hearing the ring and a sec after that, the voice of the lady “the Vodafone no you have called is busy” that even before it rings I know from within, I am going to hear her again. Its been a long time that he has actually picked my phone and spoken to me. I saw the time. It was 1.00 am. I stared at the ceiling trying to conceal the disappointment I had within myself. I was feeling sad about myself. Memories played in my mind as tears took their place instead of sleep in my eyes.

I wanted to hold them back.. I didn’t wanted to cry this time. Somehow I had begun afraid of crying. It made me feel lost weak and downtrodden. I tried again but it was the same. Hopes of him getting back to me was almost something I don’t know if I could expect.

Morning after such a night is always horrible. As soon as you get up the sadness engulfs you from all sides reminding all’s not well. You look yourself and your eyes tell the dreams you have lost…

A feeling which almost ruffles me that why do I miss him so much. My thoughts, my existence, my reason of being happy which are tied to his thoughts. But may be for him things have changed. I have changed for what I meant to him. It hurts me deep inside and all the more when his ignorance becomes so obvious. I want to go somewhere far where I can move on, from his thoughts, his life so that he can have some peace from me. May be that’s what he wants. I want to free him of the burden of loving me back. I want this to do for him.

But my zaniness doesn’t allows me to prevail in this thought for long. I try to be happy with his thoughts and turn a blind eye to whatever I had am going through. I try to slip out of my world of memories and start the day again with a new hope that things would be better and he would call me. That means the world for me, whick I don’t think I have now. There might be something wrong at his end. Thoughts like this try to comfort the mind.

A week later, a month later I know would be at the same cross roads. I would miss him again, want to hear his voice again would cry would wage a battle with myself within myself, and again try to be out of all these things.. Answers to questions I struggle to find….again try to be free of all this, of myself…. till the time I lose myself completely.

Merry Christmas

It was a cold December, and a Christmas evening. Though Christmas not being an important festival for her that year it held a special meaning for her. A very special meaning. The past 2 months of her life had been a different and a wonderful time. The feeling of being in love and the way your world changes was there. A gentle smile always wore the lips and happiness surrounded the mind.
A new person had become a part of her world…Though they were not a very outgoing couple, still they seemed to enjoy every little time they could have together and their world seemed to be content, not of their company and the talks they share, but whatever they have for each other.

He had told her “I Love You” and she knew he meant it. It was not planned and was very unexpected. She took life as it came and she was happy in being in love with him. But she has yet to tell him I love you. She hasn’t from the time he has told her. She thought of letting her speak out that Christmas evening wanting to make it special for him.

She was waiting for his call. He called her that evening.

Trin Trin, the phone goes ring……… ( cant write in words how a mobile fone tune would ring)
He: Merry Christmas Sweetheart
She: Merry Christmas ( in a delightful yet polite voice)

She: So how was your day.
He: It was good. Nothing much.

He: So what you doing
She: Watching Tv, waiting for your call (her mom calls for dinner..coming mom )

He: Ok so we meeting tomorrow.
She: Yes 11.30 am, metro station

He: Ok chalo bye then.
She:bye (didn’t wantd to keep the phone)

She- Acha sunoooo….
He: Haan bolo

She: come there at 11.30 am, metro
He: Ok. Aur kuch

She: Yes
He: haan bolo

She: After a pause… I love you ( in the most beautiful way and with all her heart as he is the only one she is going to love)
He: Me Too..

She- Ok bye ( a little disappointed that he didn’t say her I love you)
He: Bye see you tomorrow ( she could feel his smile and happiness)

She smiled gently after keeping the phone. A smile which dint fade till it reached her eyes and her eyes were full of smiles too.
Ps: Later comes to know he was talking from a public fone so couldn’t tell her I love you in return.
Never mind.. Lots of moments came when he did say that and made her felt the most special person…

Love makes you smile, love makes you cry, it makes you happy, it gives you pain.
Love is all I had and its all I have… and I have empty hands

Love Lost....

I read this poem or song some 2 and a half years ago. I was deeply touched when I read it. It still reminds me of certain things I have been through that time... Just wanted to relive those moments...

Do you remember when we met?
Do you remember when at first it was just all a bet?
Remember when you told me that your love for me
went to the moon all uphill?
But the question is,
do you still?
Remember when you called me
to confess that you were deep in love with me?
I remember my phone going ring, ring, ring.
It almost seemed as if to sing.
I've always heard that real love always lasts,
but I think you're leaving it in the past...

Did you?
Did you forget all about it?
Did you forget how
you were the one to give me my first kiss?
Well now I'm starting to know
that love also fades.
Where there was fire
there is ashes.
But all along I still remember
all that you and I went through.
I think that would make a sweet memory,
Do you?
Would you ever hold the night
With just a single hand?
Would you ever let me go,
And make me understand?
Would you ever kiss me softly,
As if that kiss meant good-bye?
Would you hold me, oh so closely,
If I was to start to cry?

Would the tears I cried for you
Make you feel my pain?
Or would you not care for me one bit,
And my hurt would be in vain?
Would a simple question,
Remain unanswered?
Or if you were asked who you love,
Would I be your answer?

Would you keep your word
Of being always together?
Or would this lonely life
of mineLast forever?
If I told you I felt sad
Would you come be by my side?
If I was to get you mad,
Would it hurt you deep inside?

Don't ever tell me you don't care
Because I just know that isn't true.
If your heart decided to love someone,
...Would I be the one for you?

Time Office aur Rajma…

Wierd title isnt it.. This post is also just a bit weird and random. Just wrote what I could think of.

Wondering where to start with.. As usual I was late again for office today. I think time really runs for me in the morning somehow. Either they have something against me or I am bad at time management.. Had planned to get sandwiches today and had made the preparations last night itself..But still as it was I was not able to get ready and leave home to reach office on time. But it also goes to the fact I was making lunch for my team members as well, as for myself. You see they really love what I get (not that I am boasting of myself to be a culinary expert). After having a bite the 2nd patent question which pops up is how did you make it. I go to all the details and tell them how did I do it without knowing the outcome how will it come out when they make it.
Though I have seen a sample of how Shruthi attempted to make rajma the way I told her. Incredible, it was a perfect south indianised rajma though I had told her in a north indian way. She had put her own efforts and it turned out to be good Needless to say that rajma is a north indian curry. I have to admit that how it just makes a difference just being a northie and southie when you cook. If you just do a google search on how to cook Rajma it will pop up 28800 results Wow!!! . See even the food discriminates itself when prepared and we are here on top of our voices shouting against indiscrimation…
So coming back to recipes, I have thought of a strategy. Whatever I decide to make I will type down the recipe the previous day and keep a soft copy saved. As soon as someone wants the recipe I would forward them the soft copy. And you never know in the coming years I may publish a cook book also, thanks to all the saved recipes. Anyways it’s a long way to go and and secondly I don’t like cooking so much as to take all the painful efforts to publish a book. There are enough in the market to help out with. Coming back to to office and time. I didn’t get my scooty again today and I am feeling bad for it. We are such strange people. We start feeling bad for little things in life. Wonder when will the good times come. Maybe when I reach office someday sharp at 9 on my scooty without having to cook and worry about the rest of the world. After all they say you should search for happiness in the little and simple things of life….Like a bowl of rajma curry and hot rice....Happy day.

Streak My Scooty Streak!!!

Ok so I have bought something which is the most expensive thing I have bought till date on own. I have bought a Scooty Streak.I wont say I am very excited as I was supposed to get it long back but still I am happy that now I also have a vehicle which I can take and go where ever and whenever I can. Depends on the practice thoughJ While I was getting it from the showroom to office to park it I fell down in the parking area. Lost my balance and a bit of confidence also. But then again took it back home.. So waiting to discover the roads, the places I have been waiting and wanting to go…Wish me a safe riding..

Mollarchok!!!

Any idea what’s this. Now before any of you reading my post jump into any conclusion I want to tell it’s the name of a sweet shop in Shibpur,Howrah. Just try pronouncing it and it would be fun. Growing up in Calcutta sweets have an important place in my life, and this neighbourhood shop has been there since the time I can remember and its still the same. Isnt it good in today’s time where things are changing so fast they have chose to retain their old charm and the spread of the sweets they had all these years.

It’s a small shop with no fancy attractions. A door which leads you inside and you can almost see all the sweets inside the glass case kept neatly arranged in trays. One one side there use to be huge vats of rasogullas and pantoouas floating in a thick sugar syrup.
There used to be a huge fridge in front and I always used to wonder this fridge is so big that even I can go and sit inside during summers. The fridge was the place where misthi doi used to be stored in clay pots and prices started from 5 rs. In 5 rs you get a small pot of mishti doi that will just satiate your taste buds.
At times lunch or dinner would almost be completed with a pot of mishi doi, and occasionally with any guests coming in, that was the shop we used to get sweets.

Variety of sweets, my favourite being kaachagolla….Its a milk sweet made with jaggery or sugar..Its just different very different.I can still feel the taste. Life changes but not everything changes with it and that’s why we love them for the way they are.

Calcutta will always be home. I have a crazy love for the city which would never fade.

Calcutta Calling!!! Memories Calling….

Well I am just missing Calcutta. I love it calling Calcutta as opposed to Kolkata. I can relate myself better this way. Actually Calcutta is the more fine way of calling it. Hindi speaking people call it Kal-Katta and the sweet speaking Bengalis call it Kolkata. So one can their pick what they want to call it. Does any other place gives that choice so easily.
Well Calcutta the city wich gave me everything…My parents my home my education and the reason to be what I am today. My memories go back as long as when I started realizing that I am a part of this city, this place. Yes no doubt I just love the place the way it is. With its narrow roads, walls laden with movie posters, richshaws pulling all over the road, egg rolls and chicken rolls shop at every stop and all the small sweet shops that line up at the road. Rosogollas, and misthi doi (Sweet curd) being an integral part of the city.The city has both a leisureness and a liveliness.
Boys having an adda at their paras, kids going to tuitions on bicycles, girls just going out for a stroll eating rolls or jhaal muri and doing jhaaki maara ( seeing people of the opposite sex) elderly people relaxing in the evening with a bite of muri (puffed rice) and chop (Bhajjis as known here) is just something one can experience there.
Today I miss all this so much and it seems life has become so different.. with no pauses no stopping. Its just going on and on.
The place where I used to live was Shibpur in Howrah. The biggest township of Calcutta or better known as the twin city. Though much better developed and maintained now it was not very upmarket some few years back. There is a shibpur bazaar where you get everything you want. From groceries to vegetables, fish, meat, sweets. Stepping in that bazaar will bring in you an activeness. One can see elderly with their jholas (bags) shopping and bargaining for vegetables and fish.
A small tea shop here and there where some people would just gather over a cup of chaa (tea) and discuss about Saurav Ganguly to football to governments policies to Mamata Banerjee and give their opinions. Well no one is there to listen to them but still. Its just an integral part of the lifestyle there to have an adda session. For people who dont know passion for football and Sourav runs in every one's blood.
Sitting just by the bank of Ganges or better known as the Hoogly river one can just gaze at the sky and think about nothing. The breeze is just wonderful which touches your face and soothes your soul. The ferry which goes across from Shibpur to Calcutta better known as launch, yes its launch, is a superb means of transport where one can reach the other side of the river without going through the traffic hussles and enjoying a river ride as well.Its a small kind of a ship which can carry 50 people to and fro and is an important means of transportations for people who dont wish to travel by roads or just want to avoid the traffic hussles and reach their destination peacefully.
The launch has given me some wonderful memories of my life when I was in college and used to take it to reach howrah. Standing on the launch and experiencing the wave and flow of the river beneath it and gazing the Howrah bridge from below, each time I saw it, I wondered what a creation it is…Today all this seems like a luxury..

Well summarizing all in one post what I feel about the city is difficult but yes the city is very much a part of me and my existence.
More is to follow.. Till then keep smiling:-)
Mani:-)